A Little Thing Called Friendship

Drama has a best friend. She loves him more than any of her other friends. All she does is talk about him when he isn't around. She will ask me where he is, or what he is doing, or what he is eating (because I have the power to know these things). Well, every Monday she gets to play with her best friend. They just crack me up when they are together. He has only been here for an hour, and they are both already covered in stickers. We have slain the evil dragon (aka The Brown Lab) three times, and each of them has been knighted more than once.

When I first started watching 2D (bf) and his adorable baby sister back in February, I felt like I was constantly trying to keep the older two from killing each other. You see, they are a little over a month apart and so they clash sometimes. Usually over things like who was playing with what toy first, whose cup is whose, silly toddler things. It amazes me how they have grown over the past 6 months. They have gone from parallel-play to using their imaginations, and I love it.

Right now they are pretending to be mommy and daddy, but because of their age Drama is the Daddy and 2D is the mommy. I am so thankful that they love each other, and even more thankful for2D's mom, Fabulous. Where would I be without these people in my life?

Recently Fabulous and I went out for a late night coffee session. It was our way of getting out of the house without doing what we usually do - shop. So we sat at Starbucks for hours, and she told me her life story. It took a lot not for me to cry. I felt like she was reading some weird book about my life, I will admit - her story is more interesting than mine in parts, what there are things that are very similar. It amazed me how much guilt was lifted off of my shoulders as she spoke to me. Finally knowing that I was not alone in things I had struggled with as a child and teen. Knowing that if Drama wanted to spend the night at her house, I could fully trust that my worst nightmares would never happen withing the walls of her home. I felt so free, to have someone to talk to about the darkest secrets of my life.

About 14 months ago now, I confessed my secrets out loud to AD. It was not easy, and I felt a lot of guilt and shame. It had been keeping me awake for weeks, and I knew I was being spiritually attacked. If I couldn't stop thinking about what a horrible person I was, than I could never accept that God loved me because of who I am, and what I have been through. So, I finally got up the courage to spill it all to my husband. It felt good to get it off my chest, but there is something that is withheld when you tell someone who hasn't also walked that same path. When I could finally tell Fabulous about it, I could just feel the weight lifted off my shoulders.

I finally allowed myself to re-invest in a friendship that I was certain had been ruined when I was a child. I was positive that this woman would never want to be friends with me, but she does, and I am very thankful. She brings something to my life that none of my other friends do - a sort of simpleness. She doesn't waste her time worrying about having the nicest clothes, or the latest gadget, or always being right. And she is just so happy, and it is contagious when you are around her. I am thankful that she is back in my life, just as long as she doesn't get knocked up in the next few weeks!

I am truly blessed to have so many great friends, and I love what each one of them brings to my life.

All my love.

But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you...

Drama snagged my camera this morning and took about 46137 pictures of the dog and my parents really hideous couch. She just cracks me up. She gets so very excited over the smallest things, and she loves life. LOVES IT. She cannot get enough of the world around her. I honestly think she could play in the sand box every day and still be so excited to get covered in it.

Today she asked me where babies come from. Well, okay, not straight up, but she asked if we could get one from Target. Ahh, a girl after my own heart. We love Target around here...not so much AD, but he's a guy. So back to buying a baby! Drama is only 27 months, and I don't feel right being all "mommy and daddy have sex and then x,y,z happens and 9 months later - A BABY!" She is way too smart, and with my luck she would repeat every. last. word. So I told her this, "Mommy and daddy have to make a baby (not a lie) and then the baby will grow and grow in mommy's tummy until he/she is ready to come out. When the baby is ready mommy will push the baby out, like when you go poop on the potty (yes, because we are potty training), and the baby will be here!" I explained that the baby would be small at first and then he/she will grow and grow. Her response? "And now I can have a brother?"

I ran a few names by her last week, and she loves one that is similar to her own. My mother mentioned a middle name that could go with it, and that is all Drama will talk about. She runs around asking for him, talking about him, etc. I have told her that mommy and daddy are not having a baby right now, but she doesn't seem to care. I love that girl, but I just want to stop hearing about babies.

Let me tell you, blog, about all of the people in my life that are pregnant. My personal trainer, my hair stylist, my good friend, my better friend (my BEST friend, Fabulous, had a baby girl in Nov of 2009), and two other women that I know, but we aren't super BFFs or anything. I am over joyed for each and every one of them, but come on!

My BFF, Fabulous, is always so positive when my attitude about it is craptastic. She reminds me all of the time, that when the time is right, it will happen. Sometimes, she is just too up beat about it for me, and I absolutely love her for it. Fabulous was recently eating lunch at my house when one of my girlfriends came over and announced her pregnancy. (This girlfriend and her husband have a daughter that is one month younger than Drama, and they have been trying since then to get pregnant with baby dos.) It truly made me happy that they are expecting, I just was not ready for the wave of emotions I was going to feel. This all went down last week, so I wasn't yet in my delirious state about us having a child. Fab did a great job of helping me talk about other things. I don't know if she could sense my annoyance/frustration/self pity, but she did what she always does, and made sure I stayed upbeat.

I think I could spend an entire week posting about Fabulous, because her name just fits her. My life is so much better because she is in it. And now I will go break out into song, where did I put my Wicked CD anyway?

Drama @ my cousins wedding last month.

Baby Fever? Lets try Baby Rabies...

I can't take credit for the phrase "baby rabies", it is a great blog! But to say that I have baby fever, well, is a huge understatement. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I started making babies way too early, lets just roll with that. Art Director (AD) husband and I will be celebrating three years of wedded bliss in one short week.

Oh who am I kidding? Bliss? Yeah. NO. Don't get me wrong, AD and I love each other, but holy shit is being married a trip or what? After three years we are just now figuring out what we are doing, and then some huge idiot I go and decide - hey, let's talk about having baby #2! Yes, NUMERO DOS. Because baby 1? Well, she isn't so much a baby anymore. (Yesterday I told her about my blog, and we discussed what her code name would be, and she thinks it should be Drama. No joke. She even told her Mimi about it, "Momma call me Drama, cause I am.") Drama is 2 years and 3 months old and she never fails to live up to her name.

AD and I waited to have sex before we got married (more on that later). And so our first night was as it should be - passionate awkward. And no one REALLY gets pregnant the first time they have sex, right? But wouldn't ya know, that boy's swimmers were determined, and nine months later, out comes Drama via the most pointless cesarean known to man kind.

Fast forward to today. Drama has been asking for a sibling for about a month now, and of course I am not allowing my 27 month old to determine when we have another child. I just really really feel like now is a good time for another member of our family. AD? Not so much. See, he's the worrier. The "we have to make a budget and stick to it or the world will end" kind of guy. And I love that about him, because I am not that way, and we definitely balance each other out.

So we had put off trying to conceive (TTC) because I didn't have insurance. I might have rabies, but I not an idiot. No insurance with history of two cesareans means that the cost of my pregnancy, labor and all, could have been the down payment on a really nice house. In Miami. On July 1, AD got a new job, leaving the world of freelancing graphic designer to a real, steady, LEGIT job. Insurance started immediately, and I am sure you can guess - I started  planning.

I talked to AD and somewhere in our conversation, I must have stopped listening, because I heard: Ok, we can try. Apparently, I need to listen more (crap). After shedding many tears, and coming to the realization that we do need to work on our communication, we have a plan. More than one. A plan to work on learning how to talk to each other, so that big issues don't go undiscussed and little issues don't become big ones. We also made a few lists - Things to do before TTC, Things we NEED for a new baby, and Things we WANT for a new baby. To do before TTC - make a budget that includes our new mortgage payment and saving up for a bigger second car, talking to my OB-GYN (who was my Dr. for my adoption) about our options and the costs associated with our options, and talking to our insurance company about what they cover, and what we would need to pay. Thank God none of it is brain surgery, and two thirds of it I can do on my own.

Things we need for a baby are simple, diapers, maybe some clothes (depending on gender). We would need a new mattress for Drama, because she has a big girl bed waiting for her once our house is finished. Things we want - a double stroller, and a changing table/dresser. Yep, that's it. And knowing AD's family (they are all about being fair) we will get everything we need, and some of the things we "want". AD and I are completely capable of getting these things ourselves, but AD's mom just HAS to be fair, so we would get it or we would be on an eternal guilt trip.

So, blog, I am discouraged. AD is great at over thinking things, and I am afraid that means he will never be fully prepared for another child. I am super thankful that he wants another one. He is so great with Drama, and he knows his chances are slim of getting a boy, and he still wants another baby. Deep down inside, I know that when the timing is right, it will happen, and it will be perfect. But for now, my heart is broken. I got my hopes up too high, too fast.

Goodnight, friends.