I remember how hard my senior year was, even before word got out that I was pregnant. The people I had called my friends for two years suddenly abandoned me when I switched schools. They definitely didn't care about where I was or how I was doing. I recently found out that rumors spread that I had run away, but it was obviously too hard to pick up a phone to call me, or text me, or stop by my house. But whatever. So when I transferred back to my HS half way through my Junior year, I knew I had no friends left to speak of. All except one, who that very night committed suicide, leaving everyone confused and heartbroken. I immediately became friends with the only people who would except me, and this was beyond a shadow of a doubt, the worst choice I ever made. I was having unprotected sex with my boyfriend, because that is how babies are made. And sure enough in August, I got pregnant.
Rumors spread like wildfire, and it felt like by the end of the day everyone knew. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I had been raised better than that. I went through many ups and downs in my pregnancy, gaining 80 lbs by the time it was all said and done. My boyfriend stayed by my side, but he was not supportive. He never attended one doctors appointment, no counseling, no appointments with the adoption agencies. He would always say, "I will support whatever you want to do." Hello cop out of the century. His mom was nothing but crazy. She was our boss, and she made my life hell. When we told her that I was having a baby she clearly stated that my only options were to raise the child or have an abortion. Adoption was not an option her book. (Yes, you read that correctly.) No one in his family was told, but his Aunts figured it out sooner or later, and they never made me feel bad about our situation, but it also wasn't their job to make me feel accepted.
I chose a family to adopt our gender-less child, and I was informed the next day that they had already been chosen, and they were getting a baby. I was happy for them, but I was confused. I felt like maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't let the baby go, I should keep him/her and raise the baby myself. It took me a few months, but I realized that without monetary help there was no way I could afford to do that on my own. So I went back to my agent, and we sat down, and I picked a new family. Same thing. They had been chosen, but because this had already happened to me once, they made an exception. They gave the couple a few details about each girl and her pregnancy. I was: dating boyfriend, supportive Christian parents, local, wanted an open adoption. The other girl was: single and lived in Colorado (I'm sure there was more, but that is all JVM has ever said about the other girl). We were picked. Someone WANTED my baby, wanted the baby enough to turn down another mom, and to choose us.
A few weeks later I sat down with my agent, my boyfriend, my mom, a lady from church (who let us meet in her home) and JVM. When I opened the door to JVM, I loved them immediately. I felt like I knew V for years, like she was a part of my life for longer than I could imagine. By the end of the meeting we told our agent that they were the ones, and that was it. JVM attended all of the rest of my appointments, more than I could ever say for my boyfriend. I guess he was there when we found out the gender, but alas. One appointment doesn't make up for all the ones missed...
We found out the baby was a girl, and JVM immediately announced her name, my name. I couldn't have been more honored. They are just such amazing people. Fast forward to my last appointment. It was a Tuesday, and I had a c-section scheduled for that Friday.
Here is what I have to say about that. I strongly believe that teenage mothers, especially those with the intent of giving their child to another family, should NEVER be given a c-section unless medically necessary (which should go without saying). No matter how mentally prepared you are to sign the adoption papers, there is nothing more terrifying or lonely than having your body cut open, and your child taken away from you in the blink of an eye. It was a very traumatizing experience.
So, I went in for my appointment and my super awesome doctor was very concerned about the headaches I was getting and before I knew it he was telling me to come back at 6 for a c-section. JVM and my mom were all in the room, and I was in shock and just broke out into tears. JVM
I don't remember much until the next day, because I had such a bad reaction to the spinal, that I shook for quite some time. I had wanted to hold her before anyone else, but it didn't work out that way. JVM got to hold their new daughter, and I don't even have a good picture of it because they were both filled with such joy and love for her that they couldn't stand still.
Friday was the day to sign all of the papers to make it official. I would be flat out lying if I said it wasn't hard. The pictures I have a harsh reminder of how painful that day was for me and my family. I had to ask the legal team to leave the room more than once while I composed myself. Later, my mother would tell me that she almost begged me not to sign the documents, but we both knew how heartbreaking that would have been for JVM. Once the documents were signed, boyfriend, my mom and dad, and I walked little miss over to the room that JVM had been staying in. I got to hand them their newest family member, and in that second, I knew it was all as it should be.
I'm sure I will touch more on the ups and downs in the past 6 years as I blog more, but for now that is all. I would feel so privileged to help someone through their adoption journey, because I really could have used someone like that during my own journey. I don't know much about this girl, or her situation, I just know she needs love, and to know that no matter what decision she comes to, she will be alright, but her life will never be the same.
