Huh?

I have composed quite a few entries lately and I just delete them and close the browser. For the most part this blog is anonymous. A few people read it, and I don't use names. There is so much I want to say, but I am afraid that if I put it out there, the people involved will read it, and I don't want to deal with the fall out.

I need to write about it so I can work through the emotions that I am feeling, and try to come to some sort of, I don't know, launching point for the rest of my life?

Don't give up on me just yet. I am still here, just working through a lot.

<3

A Little Thing Called Friendship

Drama has a best friend. She loves him more than any of her other friends. All she does is talk about him when he isn't around. She will ask me where he is, or what he is doing, or what he is eating (because I have the power to know these things). Well, every Monday she gets to play with her best friend. They just crack me up when they are together. He has only been here for an hour, and they are both already covered in stickers. We have slain the evil dragon (aka The Brown Lab) three times, and each of them has been knighted more than once.

When I first started watching 2D (bf) and his adorable baby sister back in February, I felt like I was constantly trying to keep the older two from killing each other. You see, they are a little over a month apart and so they clash sometimes. Usually over things like who was playing with what toy first, whose cup is whose, silly toddler things. It amazes me how they have grown over the past 6 months. They have gone from parallel-play to using their imaginations, and I love it.

Right now they are pretending to be mommy and daddy, but because of their age Drama is the Daddy and 2D is the mommy. I am so thankful that they love each other, and even more thankful for2D's mom, Fabulous. Where would I be without these people in my life?

Recently Fabulous and I went out for a late night coffee session. It was our way of getting out of the house without doing what we usually do - shop. So we sat at Starbucks for hours, and she told me her life story. It took a lot not for me to cry. I felt like she was reading some weird book about my life, I will admit - her story is more interesting than mine in parts, what there are things that are very similar. It amazed me how much guilt was lifted off of my shoulders as she spoke to me. Finally knowing that I was not alone in things I had struggled with as a child and teen. Knowing that if Drama wanted to spend the night at her house, I could fully trust that my worst nightmares would never happen withing the walls of her home. I felt so free, to have someone to talk to about the darkest secrets of my life.

About 14 months ago now, I confessed my secrets out loud to AD. It was not easy, and I felt a lot of guilt and shame. It had been keeping me awake for weeks, and I knew I was being spiritually attacked. If I couldn't stop thinking about what a horrible person I was, than I could never accept that God loved me because of who I am, and what I have been through. So, I finally got up the courage to spill it all to my husband. It felt good to get it off my chest, but there is something that is withheld when you tell someone who hasn't also walked that same path. When I could finally tell Fabulous about it, I could just feel the weight lifted off my shoulders.

I finally allowed myself to re-invest in a friendship that I was certain had been ruined when I was a child. I was positive that this woman would never want to be friends with me, but she does, and I am very thankful. She brings something to my life that none of my other friends do - a sort of simpleness. She doesn't waste her time worrying about having the nicest clothes, or the latest gadget, or always being right. And she is just so happy, and it is contagious when you are around her. I am thankful that she is back in my life, just as long as she doesn't get knocked up in the next few weeks!

I am truly blessed to have so many great friends, and I love what each one of them brings to my life.

All my love.

A Short Hiatus

AD and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary last week. It was great! He bought me a new cell phone, and we went out to eat to two great restaurants. It was so great to be able to spend time with him without one or both of us wrangling Drama in. I forgot how great adult time is! Our relationship has grown and changed so much in the last year, and it is amazing. I love that guy, and I am so thankful that he loves me back.

We also took Drama in to get some random pictures done. It isn't a special month or anything like that, but I had some coupons that were about to expire, so I figured, why not? Well wouldn't ya know it - she took the best pictures to date. She was horrible at sitting and listening (but hello, she is almost 28 months). The photographer was so very patient, and she got some amazing shots. We bought a big 10x13 to hang in the stairwell at the new house.

Since my last post, I have tried to pull my mind away from my constant need for a baby. I would be doing well for a few days and then BAM! someone else is pregnant. Is there some 2010/2011 baby boom going on? Because seriously people, you are going to make me go bankrupt with all of the showers that will be happening from September until April. AD and I decided that we would wait until September to really start trying. And that is great, and I really hoped that setting a time frame would help ease my fever, but it hasn't. I have, however, found other ways to rest my mind. Jogging and some other exercise have really helped me.

I have a lot going on in the next month that will help take my mind off of things. In a week and a half I am traveling with an old friend of mine to visit our friend in Kentucky. I am really looking forward to a 3 day break, and to finally get to kiss the cheeks of all of the adorable babies and toddlers I will be surrounded by. After that I have a garage sale, and then a trip back for labor day, and then who knows, we might go to Kansas. AD's mom turns 60  this year, and I would love to go, but we don't know what the plan is yet.

One month. I can do this. HA.

All my love.

But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you...

Drama snagged my camera this morning and took about 46137 pictures of the dog and my parents really hideous couch. She just cracks me up. She gets so very excited over the smallest things, and she loves life. LOVES IT. She cannot get enough of the world around her. I honestly think she could play in the sand box every day and still be so excited to get covered in it.

Today she asked me where babies come from. Well, okay, not straight up, but she asked if we could get one from Target. Ahh, a girl after my own heart. We love Target around here...not so much AD, but he's a guy. So back to buying a baby! Drama is only 27 months, and I don't feel right being all "mommy and daddy have sex and then x,y,z happens and 9 months later - A BABY!" She is way too smart, and with my luck she would repeat every. last. word. So I told her this, "Mommy and daddy have to make a baby (not a lie) and then the baby will grow and grow in mommy's tummy until he/she is ready to come out. When the baby is ready mommy will push the baby out, like when you go poop on the potty (yes, because we are potty training), and the baby will be here!" I explained that the baby would be small at first and then he/she will grow and grow. Her response? "And now I can have a brother?"

I ran a few names by her last week, and she loves one that is similar to her own. My mother mentioned a middle name that could go with it, and that is all Drama will talk about. She runs around asking for him, talking about him, etc. I have told her that mommy and daddy are not having a baby right now, but she doesn't seem to care. I love that girl, but I just want to stop hearing about babies.

Let me tell you, blog, about all of the people in my life that are pregnant. My personal trainer, my hair stylist, my good friend, my better friend (my BEST friend, Fabulous, had a baby girl in Nov of 2009), and two other women that I know, but we aren't super BFFs or anything. I am over joyed for each and every one of them, but come on!

My BFF, Fabulous, is always so positive when my attitude about it is craptastic. She reminds me all of the time, that when the time is right, it will happen. Sometimes, she is just too up beat about it for me, and I absolutely love her for it. Fabulous was recently eating lunch at my house when one of my girlfriends came over and announced her pregnancy. (This girlfriend and her husband have a daughter that is one month younger than Drama, and they have been trying since then to get pregnant with baby dos.) It truly made me happy that they are expecting, I just was not ready for the wave of emotions I was going to feel. This all went down last week, so I wasn't yet in my delirious state about us having a child. Fab did a great job of helping me talk about other things. I don't know if she could sense my annoyance/frustration/self pity, but she did what she always does, and made sure I stayed upbeat.

I think I could spend an entire week posting about Fabulous, because her name just fits her. My life is so much better because she is in it. And now I will go break out into song, where did I put my Wicked CD anyway?

Drama @ my cousins wedding last month.

Baby Fever? Lets try Baby Rabies...

I can't take credit for the phrase "baby rabies", it is a great blog! But to say that I have baby fever, well, is a huge understatement. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I started making babies way too early, lets just roll with that. Art Director (AD) husband and I will be celebrating three years of wedded bliss in one short week.

Oh who am I kidding? Bliss? Yeah. NO. Don't get me wrong, AD and I love each other, but holy shit is being married a trip or what? After three years we are just now figuring out what we are doing, and then some huge idiot I go and decide - hey, let's talk about having baby #2! Yes, NUMERO DOS. Because baby 1? Well, she isn't so much a baby anymore. (Yesterday I told her about my blog, and we discussed what her code name would be, and she thinks it should be Drama. No joke. She even told her Mimi about it, "Momma call me Drama, cause I am.") Drama is 2 years and 3 months old and she never fails to live up to her name.

AD and I waited to have sex before we got married (more on that later). And so our first night was as it should be - passionate awkward. And no one REALLY gets pregnant the first time they have sex, right? But wouldn't ya know, that boy's swimmers were determined, and nine months later, out comes Drama via the most pointless cesarean known to man kind.

Fast forward to today. Drama has been asking for a sibling for about a month now, and of course I am not allowing my 27 month old to determine when we have another child. I just really really feel like now is a good time for another member of our family. AD? Not so much. See, he's the worrier. The "we have to make a budget and stick to it or the world will end" kind of guy. And I love that about him, because I am not that way, and we definitely balance each other out.

So we had put off trying to conceive (TTC) because I didn't have insurance. I might have rabies, but I not an idiot. No insurance with history of two cesareans means that the cost of my pregnancy, labor and all, could have been the down payment on a really nice house. In Miami. On July 1, AD got a new job, leaving the world of freelancing graphic designer to a real, steady, LEGIT job. Insurance started immediately, and I am sure you can guess - I started  planning.

I talked to AD and somewhere in our conversation, I must have stopped listening, because I heard: Ok, we can try. Apparently, I need to listen more (crap). After shedding many tears, and coming to the realization that we do need to work on our communication, we have a plan. More than one. A plan to work on learning how to talk to each other, so that big issues don't go undiscussed and little issues don't become big ones. We also made a few lists - Things to do before TTC, Things we NEED for a new baby, and Things we WANT for a new baby. To do before TTC - make a budget that includes our new mortgage payment and saving up for a bigger second car, talking to my OB-GYN (who was my Dr. for my adoption) about our options and the costs associated with our options, and talking to our insurance company about what they cover, and what we would need to pay. Thank God none of it is brain surgery, and two thirds of it I can do on my own.

Things we need for a baby are simple, diapers, maybe some clothes (depending on gender). We would need a new mattress for Drama, because she has a big girl bed waiting for her once our house is finished. Things we want - a double stroller, and a changing table/dresser. Yep, that's it. And knowing AD's family (they are all about being fair) we will get everything we need, and some of the things we "want". AD and I are completely capable of getting these things ourselves, but AD's mom just HAS to be fair, so we would get it or we would be on an eternal guilt trip.

So, blog, I am discouraged. AD is great at over thinking things, and I am afraid that means he will never be fully prepared for another child. I am super thankful that he wants another one. He is so great with Drama, and he knows his chances are slim of getting a boy, and he still wants another baby. Deep down inside, I know that when the timing is right, it will happen, and it will be perfect. But for now, my heart is broken. I got my hopes up too high, too fast.

Goodnight, friends.

Becoming a Birth Mom

I was just presented with an opportunity that I have been waiting for, for what seems like years. The chance to speak to a young woman about her options regarding her unborn child. She is already considering adoption, so I know I wont have to push that. It sounds like one of her fears is her friends. Her community isn't one that supports adoption.

I remember how hard my senior year was, even before word got out that I was pregnant. The people I had called my friends for two years suddenly abandoned me when I switched schools. They definitely didn't care about where I was or how I was doing. I recently found out that rumors spread that I had run away, but it was obviously too hard to pick up a phone to call me, or text me, or stop by my house. But whatever. So when I transferred back to my HS half way through my Junior year, I knew I had no friends left to speak of. All except one, who that very night committed suicide, leaving everyone confused and heartbroken. I immediately became friends with the only people who would except me, and this was beyond a shadow of a doubt, the worst choice I ever made. I was having unprotected sex with my boyfriend, because that is how babies are made. And sure enough in August, I got pregnant. 

Rumors spread like wildfire, and it felt like by the end of the day everyone knew. I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I had been raised better than that. I went through many ups and downs in my pregnancy, gaining 80 lbs by the time it was all said and done. My boyfriend stayed by my side, but he was not supportive. He never attended one doctors appointment, no counseling, no appointments with the adoption agencies. He would always say, "I will support whatever you want to do." Hello cop out of the century. His mom was nothing but crazy. She was our boss, and she made my life hell. When we told her that I was having a baby she clearly stated that my only options were to raise the child or have an abortion. Adoption was not an option her book. (Yes, you read that correctly.) No one in his family was told, but his Aunts figured it out sooner or later, and they never made me feel bad about our situation, but it also wasn't their job to make me feel accepted. 

I chose a family to adopt our gender-less child, and I was informed the next day that they had already been chosen, and they were getting a baby. I was happy for them, but I was confused. I felt like maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't let the baby go, I should keep him/her and raise the baby myself. It took me a few months, but I realized that without monetary help there was no way I could afford to do that on my own. So I went back to my agent, and we sat down, and I picked a new family. Same thing. They had been chosen, but because this had already happened to me once, they made an exception. They gave the couple a few details about each girl and her pregnancy. I was: dating boyfriend, supportive Christian parents, local, wanted an open adoption. The other girl was: single and lived in Colorado (I'm sure there was more, but that is all JVM has ever said about the other girl). We were picked. Someone WANTED my baby, wanted the baby enough to turn down another mom, and to choose us. 

A few weeks later I sat down with my agent, my boyfriend, my mom, a lady from church (who let us meet in her home) and JVM. When I opened the door to JVM, I loved them immediately. I felt like I knew V for years, like she was a part of my life for longer than I could imagine. By the end of the meeting we told our agent that they were the ones, and that was it. JVM attended all of the rest of my appointments, more than I could ever say for my boyfriend. I guess he was there when we found out the gender, but alas. One appointment doesn't make up for all the ones missed...

We found out the baby was a girl, and JVM immediately announced her name, my name. I couldn't have been more honored. They are just such amazing people. Fast forward to my last appointment. It was a Tuesday, and I had a c-section scheduled for that Friday. 

Here is what I have to say about that. I strongly believe that teenage mothers, especially those with the intent of giving their child to another family, should NEVER be given a c-section unless medically necessary (which should go without saying). No matter how mentally prepared you are to sign the adoption papers, there is nothing more terrifying or lonely than having your body cut open, and your child taken away from you in the blink of an eye. It was a very traumatizing experience. 

So, I went in for my appointment and my super awesome doctor was very concerned about the headaches I was getting and before I knew it he was telling me to come back at 6 for a c-section. JVM and my mom were all in the room, and I was in shock and just broke out into tears. JVM

I don't remember much until the next day, because I had such a bad reaction to the spinal, that I shook for quite some time. I had wanted to hold her before anyone else, but it didn't work out that way. JVM got to hold their new daughter, and I don't even have a good picture of it because they were both filled with such joy and love for her that they couldn't stand still.

Friday was the day to sign all of the papers to make it official. I would be flat out lying if I said it wasn't hard. The pictures I have a harsh reminder of how painful that day was for me and my family. I had to ask the legal team to leave the room more than once while I composed myself. Later, my mother would tell me that she almost begged me not to sign the documents, but we both knew how heartbreaking that would have been for JVM. Once the documents were signed, boyfriend, my mom and dad, and I walked little miss over to the room that JVM had been staying in. I got to hand them their newest family member, and in that second, I knew it was all as it should be.

I'm sure I will touch more on the ups and downs in the past 6 years as I blog more, but for now that is all. I would feel so privileged to help someone through their adoption journey, because I really could have used someone like that during my own journey. I don't know much about this girl, or her situation, I just know she needs love, and to know that no matter what decision she comes to, she will be alright, but her life will never be the same. 

One for One

First off, I love TOMs Shoes. I had heard awhile back about the great things their company does to help children. I love shoes, and it just so happens that they are a necessity. So this spring I made a pledge to myself. I would stop buying cheap uncomfortable flip-flops, and I would buy a pair of TOMs instead. I received my second pair as a birthday gift from my best friend, and my third pair from my mother-in-law (MIL). She sent me the cash and I went to pick them out today. So here they are!

They are a welcome addition to my growing collection, and I truly hope that the child that receives my "one-for-one" loves their shoes as much as I do. I am thankful, of course, that I was born in America, where (for the most part) I have little to worry about. I know I will have fresh water, a warm meal, and a bed to sleep in every day.